By Special Request

I was asked to tackle the topic of "Chinese" parenting as discussed in the article about a Yale law professor who is raising her two daughters the way she was raised, and catching no small amount of flak for it, when she published a book chronicling her rigid parenting practices.

Disclaimer and shameless plug...
Now, I am not a successful law professor and I haven't raised two children (14 and 18) who can play the piano and probably max out their SATs, so my discussion on this topic will be mostly in the form of questions. I always welcome feedback, so please feel free to email me at daddybythemoments@gmail.com, or send me a message on my Twitter page, if you have any responses to this post. Additionally, I'm drinking my first cup of coffee while writing, so chances are good that the article will end much better than it starts...

Now that that's done...
Chua, the Yale law professor and author being interviewed, refers to her parenting style as the "immigrant" style, saying "Millions of people raise their children this way. It’s not just Chinese people. It’s really an immigrant thing." From the article (I have not read the book...yet), the immigrant parenting style she employs - because she was raised this way - involves:


"academic excellence and a lot more rules so that kids grow up much more slowly. No boyfriends. No sleepovers. Total respect for parents. Daily drilling in math and Chinese when they’re little. Speaking Chinese at home." 


...but it's okay because:


"What the Chinese parent is conveying to the child is not that “you’ve got to get A’s or else I won’t like you.” On the contrary, it’s, “I believe in you so much, I know that you can be excellent.”"


...and...


"I was raised by extremely strict but extremely loving Chinese immigrant parents, so I experienced this as a kid and I had a lot of issues: “Why can’t I go to my friend’s house? Why does everybody else get to celebrate when they get an A-? Why do I have these chores? Why can’t I go to parties?” To this day I adore my parents and I feel that I owe everything to them."


So, how I understand it, immigrant parenting creates a rigid outline for the child's life and then expects them to fulfill the requirements of that outline while setting aside any personal development, and all that comes off harsh but that's okay because the ends justify the means.


Sounds like something I went through. Oh, not with my parents though...I went through that with a Drill Sergeant in the U.S. Army. They both produce results, but for what purpose and at what cost?


I can see how Chua feels that she is creating an environment that will give her children all the tools for success that they need: determination, discipline, appreciation for the arts and an academic arsenal worthy of an aircraft carrier. But what about the other important aspects to growing up like finding out who you are? Loving and losing? Emotional roller coasters that teach you how to handle yourself? Where do those fit in? As far as I can tell, they don't - and can't - fit into this model of parenting.


Now Chua does have a great point when she says that "although Western parents are the ones that worry so much about self-esteem – and Chinese parents don’t, they assume strength rather than fragility – I wonder if the Chinese approach isn’t better at creating self-esteem". Too many parents in America coddle their children and let their children walk all over them. Just watch a few Nanny 911 episodes and you'd have to agree that American parents do tend to be weak in the areas of structure and consistency. But isn't there a middle ground? What is the motivation behind raising your child like a good little soldier?


The only motivation I can see is fear.


Chua, and other parents employing this rigid system of parenting want to create strong academic soldiers because they are afraid that there is no other way their child will accomplish anything. They are afraid that their child will not be able to fit into the world the way they were built. They are afraid that their children do not come equipped with everything they need to tackle this world deep inside them.


Soon, I'll write a post about taking on your fears and issues so that your children won't have to. In the meantime, please Netflix the movie Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story so that you'll have some context.


Chua even says that, "If you give a [child] the choice to pursue his or her passion, it’s going to be doing Facebook for six hours. I don’t think it’s going to be playing the violin or doing any school work very seriously." Again I say, where is the middle ground? Why does it have to be Facebook or Violin? What happens when the child turns 40, realizes they don't have to play violin and that they might not like it but never had the chance to figure that out?


Personally, I can't subscribe to it. I feel that, just like the apple seed, children come to this earth with all the talents they need to tackle their corner of the world right there within them, and like the blooming flower's petals, each one will reveal itself when the time is right. 


But when you cut the flower out of the garden and stick it in a glass with color-dyed water, you'll never know what it would have looked like if you just let it grow naturally.


I've seen what a nurturing, free-range environment can produce. My sister has raised an incredible young lady by being her coach and providing her choices that were parent approved, and then letting her daughter make the decision on which way to go. 


That is, in my opinion, being a true leader for your child; being a coach and a guide for your child while they develop themselves emotionally, academically, physically and spiritually. Show your child what bad choices are, then show them all the good choices they can make and let them run wild! Let them explore themselves and discover who they really are and what their natural talents are, not just who you expect them to be! If you force your child into three hours a day of violin, or dance, or piano just because you think it's good for them but not because they asked for it, how will you ever know if they would have been a million-dollar painter, or guitarist, or the next great astronomer? Or who knows, maybe even the next billion-dollar social media innovator...




Special thanks to SR for the topic and to Amy Chua for showing me another choice!